Thursday, April 26, 2012

the "F" word

No, not that one!  Get your mind out of the no-no's. 

I'm talking about the word forgiveness.  I struggle with forgiving myself and moving on.  I struggle with it a lot. 

I can forgive just about anyone in my life for any harm or hurt that they've caused me, but I simply can not forgive myself for a single thing.  I think this is a very hard post for me to write, because it is an admission of a large problem in my life.  I am harder on myself than anyone else is. 

I have been this way forever.  As long as I can remember, I have always been extremely hard on myself.  In elementary school, I received a "B" on a test and I actually began crying and hyperventilating.  I had such a problem breathing that they actually had to call my mother to come take me to the doctor, where I was given medicine to calm me down.  I was sedated for getting a "B." 

This behavior continued as I got older.  When I was offered the opportunity to accelerate into a grade higher than I was in, I took it.  My parents didn't make me, I did it by choice.  I went from the fourth grade one year, into the sixth grade the next year. 

In junior high school, I was offered the opportunity to begin taking my high school level math classes, and I took it.  Not only that, I began working as an after school tutor in these math classes.  I was supposed to be in the seventh grade, but I was in the eighth grade, and I was tutoring people in the eleventh grade.  Yah, it was really odd.  I was an odd child. 

I won't get into all of the social ramifications of my decisions, such as being a seventeen year old college freshman in a world of fraternity parties and crazy behavior.  I'll simply tell you that it had some extremely awkward moments, and I survived them. 

Eventually, in college I learned to slow down.  Instead of graduating in four years and being a twenty year old with a college degree, I slowed down.  I worked on campus, I took classes that were fun and had nothing to do with my major, and instead of graduating at twenty one years old, I took an extra quarter of fun classes and graduated at twenty two years old like a normal person. 

Now, I see this behavior slowly start to creep up on me again.  I'm negatively pressuring myself, and I need to stop. 

If I have a bad meal, I feel helpless and anxious.  I do one of two things: I stop eating for the day or I go off the deep end and binge.  Neither of these are healthy behaviors, and it is through tracking everything that I've come to discover that I'm doing this. 

If I have a bad couple of days, I feel myself slipping into a sort of anxious depression.  "What is the scale going to say?"  "Why don't I skip my weigh in this week?"  "What is wrong with me?" 

After a couple of weeks in a plateau, all hell breaks loose in my head and I find myself (figuratively) beating myself up.  I start depriving myself of things because I think that is the reason that I've not been losing weight.  Then after a few days of deprivation, I rebel and I eat way too much. 

Lately, I've been working really hard to forgive myself.  I'm not going make it through this journey if I don't learn how to do it.  I need to allow myself a bad meal, forgive myself and move on.  I need to be alright with the fact that I might have a few days of a "hearty appetite" and simply track it and get over it.  I need to see a plateau for what it is: temporary.

This is what I'm trying to do, this is my daily struggle.  I'm not fighting the scale.  I'm not beating up the food.  I'm not battling exercise.  My own dilemna is within my own head. 

And that, my friends, is what sucks the most. 

1 comment:

  1. Really loved this fact I just referenced you in post about my thoughts on the topic. I am so glad you wrote this and put into words how I often feel.