Just telling you this story is going to make me angry and sick to my stomach, but I'm going to share it anyway.
Back on Fat Tuesday (the day before Lent starts) I was eating lunch in the breakroom of my lab. Seated next to me were several people from another department, one of them had brought in a very large Oreo cake from the grocery store around the corner.
It looked sort of like this:
Okay, maybe it was a little less frosted around the outside and more Oreo's, but you get my drift.
She proceeded to tell the group that because she was giving up sweets for Lent, that she was going to have cake for lunch and something like an ice cream sundae for dinner as well.
I tried to pretend like I wasn't listening, but it really got my goat!
Let's run down a few facts:
- This same woman is a vegetarian, and has shot me the evil "I can't believe you're eating meat" eye while I eat my turkey sandwich or left over tri tip salad in the lunch room.
- The lady has mentioned to me before that she's an atheist.
- I've overheard this woman tell everyone how she doesn't put processed foods or harmful substances into her body, but proceeds to talk about wine, beer, and gigantic cookie cakes!
I am irritated.
I am irate.
I am exhausted.
Why is it that some people can eat an entire cake, but not gain an ounce or have a stomach ache?
Why is it that I cheat just a smidge and eat a handful of chocolate covered pretzels, and the scale jumps four mutha fuggggggin pounds?
Why does it never fail that after an evening of two alcoholic beverages, I wake up bloated with the most massive hangover known to man?
I'd like my body to start cooperating with me! I'd like it to hear me begging, asking it
"Please! I just want to have some wine with dinner! Don't make me balloon up to a size 16 and hit me over the head with an Acme sledge hammer while I sleep!"
But alas, I am not that girl. I have never been that girl. I wasn't mad at the atheist vegetarian for eating a cake before she gave up sweets for lent, I was mad because I couldn't do the same. Well, I wouldn't have chosen the cake, but you know what I mean.
At my most physically fit point in life, I could never run a mile.
That's me on the left. Age 17. I was training at least 5 days a week, doing cheer and tumbling practice.
In my skinniest jeans, I was hungry and deprived.
That's me on the right. Age 18. I had just started college and wasn't eating very often. I may have had some skinny jeans on, but I was far from healthy.
In the past, the ways that I attained the size that I wanted were not good ways. So here I am, doing things the right way this time.
I am doing things on my terms. This doesn't mean eating an entire cake in one sitting, that to me screams I HAVE NO WILL POWER! It means that I will celebrate successes without food, I will spend free time planning new meals or working off old ones, and I will love myself during the process. No blame. No judgement. No excuses. The past is the past, I'm moving on.
Yes, I have bruises on both arms in the pictures above. No, it isn't a camera malfunction. I was and will always be a huge klutz. In the first photo it was because of cheer practices and always smacking my arm into the elbow of the same girl, over and over. The second photo was during my days working at Chili's Bar & Grill. There was a small wall that popped out on one of the corners, and every single shift that I worked I managed to bang my arm into that wall. I worked at that location for nearly 4 years, which means I had what I called my "perma bruise" for that long as well.